My Personal Journey: The End Of My Rope
Family,
I know I already did a post for today, but you know that sometimes I have something extra. I don't know if this is going to be a personal testimony. I guess it is. Maybe it's a testament of faith. Maybe it's my own testament of endurance. Maybe it's Gods way of letting you know that the struggle is real for someone that you know. But I know that I need to give you my own personal journey as I walk a particular part of my walk In Faith. So this topic that I will always call "My Personal Journey" will be multiple entries until God brings out what He is looking for. I am allowing you to be a spectator to see God move in real life for someone. I guess my Pastor was right... My Family Was The Next Coming Attraction. But know that I am only documenting this for YOU. I just want my pain and my success to be something that pushes you to go a little further, pray a little more. Get what God needs from you and for You. I'm the last person that wants a spotlight. But if my pin moves you closer to Hi, then no matter what comes from my trial is where His Glory will be.
You all know that i'm married for the second time. You all know that I have 5 children in total for this blended family. Four of them who are under our roof here. Three from my womb, and one from Reggie's previous marriage. Well, one of mine seemed to be having some trouble. Trouble thinking. Trouble feeling. Trouble in things that most kids don't normally have trouble with. But he is so exceptional in other things.
Now i'll tell you, kids go through a lot. Kids see things they shouldn't have to see. Kids experience and endure things they shouldn't have to. Whether it's at home, or outside of the home. Some kids don't really know how to process things that end up in their sights. What they see. Which then stays trapped in their minds replaying over and over. Which then affects their hearts.What they experience. Which may feel good or bad regardless if it's right or wrong. How they process different types of information. It's not easy. Add in hormones that set in at certain ages and you've got yourself a nice mess going on.
That is where I am right now.
Being the parent of child that may or may not be in trouble in their own mind/heart is not an easy thing. I believe strategic parenting fixes it. I believe discipline fixes it. I believe punishment fixes it. But I always know that prayer fixes it. But sometimes, it doesn't quite fix things in the speed you need. I mean, I'm only human. I have flesh. Parenting is a struggle. It has it's rewards. But the journey is not always easy. And God commands the healing to arrive at the time He designates for it. Not only when you call for it.
I had to spend a very long difficult night in tears this week after an issue with one of my children. I had decided that I was done. That it was over. Tears signaling the fact that I just couldn't take anymore. The racing heartbeat that told me that parenting this one was going to be impossible.
Now, I am probably one of the most enduring people I know. I may struggle through taking hits, but I get through. And I can say that it's only by Grace. But after all that I have been through in my life with and for my children and to struggle with this one so much for so long. The events that took place on Thursday evening showed me that there was still one thing about myself that I didn't know. Something that I never believed. That my rope really did have an "end".
That night after everyone finally fell asleep, I still could not get my mind calmed enough to even think about sleep. The house was so quiet. And I laid in my bed staring at the ceiling fan. Reggie would wake occasionally and catch me still awake with the light on staring up at the light with tears quietly falling down my face falling into my hair. He kisses me on the cheek and tells me everything will be okay. But all I could think is God Help Me. I don't remember exactly what happened after that, but I found myself in my living room in the dark just pacing, praying.... Asking God why is this happening. Asking God how much longer this will go on. Asking God what did I do wrong. I had fallen to my knees not truly caring if I woke anyone up with my cries. I felt something I had not felt in a long time. The first and last time I felt this to this intensity was back in 2009. It was the true cry of complete desperation. The moment that you feel every muscle suddenly contract and all the blood in your body stop moving for a moment and it seems like time stops suddenly. And I just hit my thighs with closed fists crying out Why! Why! Why! and I just fell to my face in tears. I slowly came back to myself and just continued to pray. Reminding God and myself that He made a promise to me. And i'm still standing on that promise. I reminded God that I know who He is. And I know exactly what He means to me. I reminded Him that I know exactly how powerful He is and how I know that with the touch of a single finger He can make everything go away. I told him that I was sorry for yelling, but that i'm a mess and in distress. That my heart was broken and I know that He can fix it. Then I told Him that I know He has allowed this into my life for a reason. And that nothing He does or allows is wasted. Something wonderful is going to come from this. I know it will be truly wonderful, because right now it hurts so badly. So i'll continue to stand on His word and His promise. So I asked God NOT to remove the burden. But I begged Him to give me all I need to endure all that I need to endure in order to see my all 5 of my children grow to their full destiny that He calls them to. Even if the tears fall. I know that my God will make it all right. In His time. In Jesus Name.
And with that prayer, I felt my God add more fibers to the end of my rope. He gave me more in that very moment with that prayer in order to fight on for my child. I will not give up. No matter how hard it may become, no matter the surprises that arise, no matter the foolishness that may happen and no matter if it hurts to the complete pit of my heart. I will not give up. I have God on my side and If He is for me, then NOTHING that comes against me or my child can EVER prosper.
I dare you to make a desperate plea to God. And truly see if God doesn't truly move for you. I love you family.
I know I already did a post for today, but you know that sometimes I have something extra. I don't know if this is going to be a personal testimony. I guess it is. Maybe it's a testament of faith. Maybe it's my own testament of endurance. Maybe it's Gods way of letting you know that the struggle is real for someone that you know. But I know that I need to give you my own personal journey as I walk a particular part of my walk In Faith. So this topic that I will always call "My Personal Journey" will be multiple entries until God brings out what He is looking for. I am allowing you to be a spectator to see God move in real life for someone. I guess my Pastor was right... My Family Was The Next Coming Attraction. But know that I am only documenting this for YOU. I just want my pain and my success to be something that pushes you to go a little further, pray a little more. Get what God needs from you and for You. I'm the last person that wants a spotlight. But if my pin moves you closer to Hi, then no matter what comes from my trial is where His Glory will be.
You all know that i'm married for the second time. You all know that I have 5 children in total for this blended family. Four of them who are under our roof here. Three from my womb, and one from Reggie's previous marriage. Well, one of mine seemed to be having some trouble. Trouble thinking. Trouble feeling. Trouble in things that most kids don't normally have trouble with. But he is so exceptional in other things.
Now i'll tell you, kids go through a lot. Kids see things they shouldn't have to see. Kids experience and endure things they shouldn't have to. Whether it's at home, or outside of the home. Some kids don't really know how to process things that end up in their sights. What they see. Which then stays trapped in their minds replaying over and over. Which then affects their hearts.What they experience. Which may feel good or bad regardless if it's right or wrong. How they process different types of information. It's not easy. Add in hormones that set in at certain ages and you've got yourself a nice mess going on.
That is where I am right now.
Being the parent of child that may or may not be in trouble in their own mind/heart is not an easy thing. I believe strategic parenting fixes it. I believe discipline fixes it. I believe punishment fixes it. But I always know that prayer fixes it. But sometimes, it doesn't quite fix things in the speed you need. I mean, I'm only human. I have flesh. Parenting is a struggle. It has it's rewards. But the journey is not always easy. And God commands the healing to arrive at the time He designates for it. Not only when you call for it.
I had to spend a very long difficult night in tears this week after an issue with one of my children. I had decided that I was done. That it was over. Tears signaling the fact that I just couldn't take anymore. The racing heartbeat that told me that parenting this one was going to be impossible.
Now, I am probably one of the most enduring people I know. I may struggle through taking hits, but I get through. And I can say that it's only by Grace. But after all that I have been through in my life with and for my children and to struggle with this one so much for so long. The events that took place on Thursday evening showed me that there was still one thing about myself that I didn't know. Something that I never believed. That my rope really did have an "end".
That night after everyone finally fell asleep, I still could not get my mind calmed enough to even think about sleep. The house was so quiet. And I laid in my bed staring at the ceiling fan. Reggie would wake occasionally and catch me still awake with the light on staring up at the light with tears quietly falling down my face falling into my hair. He kisses me on the cheek and tells me everything will be okay. But all I could think is God Help Me. I don't remember exactly what happened after that, but I found myself in my living room in the dark just pacing, praying.... Asking God why is this happening. Asking God how much longer this will go on. Asking God what did I do wrong. I had fallen to my knees not truly caring if I woke anyone up with my cries. I felt something I had not felt in a long time. The first and last time I felt this to this intensity was back in 2009. It was the true cry of complete desperation. The moment that you feel every muscle suddenly contract and all the blood in your body stop moving for a moment and it seems like time stops suddenly. And I just hit my thighs with closed fists crying out Why! Why! Why! and I just fell to my face in tears. I slowly came back to myself and just continued to pray. Reminding God and myself that He made a promise to me. And i'm still standing on that promise. I reminded God that I know who He is. And I know exactly what He means to me. I reminded Him that I know exactly how powerful He is and how I know that with the touch of a single finger He can make everything go away. I told him that I was sorry for yelling, but that i'm a mess and in distress. That my heart was broken and I know that He can fix it. Then I told Him that I know He has allowed this into my life for a reason. And that nothing He does or allows is wasted. Something wonderful is going to come from this. I know it will be truly wonderful, because right now it hurts so badly. So i'll continue to stand on His word and His promise. So I asked God NOT to remove the burden. But I begged Him to give me all I need to endure all that I need to endure in order to see my all 5 of my children grow to their full destiny that He calls them to. Even if the tears fall. I know that my God will make it all right. In His time. In Jesus Name.
And with that prayer, I felt my God add more fibers to the end of my rope. He gave me more in that very moment with that prayer in order to fight on for my child. I will not give up. No matter how hard it may become, no matter the surprises that arise, no matter the foolishness that may happen and no matter if it hurts to the complete pit of my heart. I will not give up. I have God on my side and If He is for me, then NOTHING that comes against me or my child can EVER prosper.
I dare you to make a desperate plea to God. And truly see if God doesn't truly move for you. I love you family.
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