No New Years Resolution For Me and Why.

Merry Christmas Everyone!!!

What a month it has been leading up to this Wonderful Day.  I will admit, I was feeling like scrooge this year. I was not my normal "Christmas Season" person. Even knowing the reason for the season was not moving my spirit like lit had years prior. I could not pin point the reason why I was so down. I knew of the immediate things on my mind, and they were only contributing factors to my "scrooge-ness".

About 2-3 Sundays ago, a brother of mine from church delivered a message that truly began to shift something in my spirit. He talked about breaking things off your life. Things that can not only trip you up, but your fellow brother/sister. And even your children and grandchildren down the line. Honestly, we talk about that all year long. About how as we walk this walk with Jesus, we need to consistently shed more and more of ourselves and become more like Him.

Well, last week, God finally spoke exactly what He was trying to say to me. And it is a word that is so important for us all, I thought i'd share it.

Every year, we have these New Years Resolutions. We come up with things like the following:

1. Lose 30 pounds by each quarter end.
2. Reach a certain weight by the next year.
3. Quit smoking. 
4. Quit drinking.
5. Start saving.
6. Tithe more/consistently.
7. Read the whole bible by next year.
8. Create a study life.
9. Create a prayer life.
10. Increase your serving in your church. 

Lots of things like that. Very honorable. Respectable moves. It's wonderful to want to do all of these things. And it's not bad to have them as a resolution. But when you look at things from a different angle, what is it that happens that makes you fail on your resolution? Why is it that sometimes 2 weeks into the resolution, you fail? Are you not confident in the plan you set? Are you afraid to truly succeed in it? You are dedicated in it because you really don't believe you can do it? What is it for you?

What God told me, in the many mixes of messages that have gone forth Sunday after Sunday this month. And as I continued to think about with New Year coming was, what are you carrying year after year after year that through all of the building in the spirit that you are doing, still causes you to not feel like you can really hold on to what you are gaining or trying to gain? 

I had to think about that for a few days before I began to understand what He was asking me. Then on Friday as I was driving in to work, he brought to my remembrance something that I did not realize about myself. And it broke my heart. I am revealing this intimate thing because it's a testimony that I hope will cause you to look at yourself from another angle as well. 

When I was 19 years old, a sophomore in college, and living a "less than holy" life, I found myself pregnant. Pregnant with a child whose due date was calculated to be December 25, 1997. But being as young as I was, knowing how young the dad was. With us both in college. It just was not the time, place, or plan, to have a child. That was an extremely frightening thought that I could not ever fathom at that time of my life. Never mind telling my parents that I messed up. So a decision was made to terminate the pregnancy. Once the termination was done, I returned back to my dorm room. I had never had such a heavy weight on me like that before. I could not stop crying hysterically. I needed to call my mom. I hated to. I knew it would break her heart. And to be honest, I didn't want to because I didn't know which would break her heart more. That I took away a grandchild. Or that I had disappointed her by getting pregnant at college. And at a time where she needed to trust me to be a responsible adult and make the RIGHT decisions. To her, I failed. But I needed her and only her to help me through that event. Somehow. It took many years for me to be able to move on from that day. 

Fast forward, 20 years past that major decision, God revealed to me that with everything that had happened in my life since that day, I have not truly forgiven myself for that decision. My heart had been broken for the last 20 years over that one fateful decision that changed my life forever. Now consider how many decisions, that I may or may not have made, due to feelings of inadequacy, or shame... fear or lack of SELF-confidence... all because of one decision that I made 20 years ago.

• I carried unforgiveness within myself that I did not realize and perfected being unforgiving toward others, because I had not forgiven myself.
• I carried shame within myself because I disappointed my family.
• I carried unworthiness in myself because I felt that in that one moment I did something that I considered unforgivable. In my eyes, I took a life.

For 20 years I carried all these things within me, not realizing that it was there. THIS was the root that I needed to cut off of my life.

• THIS was the root that was planted so long ago that grounded so securely in me, how to truly have fear of being able to make MY OWN sound decisions. 
• This was the root that grounded so securely how to resent things in myself and be so critical of myself and down myself so easily. 
• This is the root that grounded itself so securely that nothing I ever set to do will be accomplished because I would "surely" find a way to mess it up. 

All of things had become part of me because of that one day, where I never truly forgave myself.

So for me, rather than going into 2017 with a New Years Resolution of things I want to gain or accomplish, I am going into 2017 with a list of things I REFUSE to take with me another day.

• I refuse to take unforgiveness with me, and I will begin by forgiving myself. 
• I refuse to take bitterness with me, and it also begins with forgiving myself and those who love me. 
• I refuse to take fear into 2017 and it begins with showing a perfect love first to myself and then to those closest to me. 

Doing all these things, will automatically cause my spirit to do all of the things that I want to do in 2017. But I cannot do the things I want to do in 2017, without cutting off the things that were holding me back to begin with. So today I challenge you to take a trip down memory lane. Take God with you in this journey, and allow HIM to reveal the things to you that HE needs you to see. The things that may have caused you to hold yourself back from truly growing within yourself as well as in God. 

I love you all. Be Blessed. Have a very wonderful day of the Greatest days of all time.